Stupid, stupid girl...

Tonight, I was incredibly dumb. I mean I'm dumb a lot of the time (blame the semi-natural blonde sheen to my hair, maybe?), but this was just plain careless. Some background:

- I write the check for our apartment every month to pay the rent; Sarah and Jen write their checks to me, which I deposit at my bank in Green Hills.
- I've been writing papers all week and not getting much sleep - I got up at 3:15 in the morning on Monday (Eastern time) to fly back here to work at 11 and stayed up until about 11:30 Central time, then got up at 8 Tuesday and went to bed at 1:30 am, got up at 6:30 Wednesday and went to bed at 2 am, and got up at 7:00 Thursday and I'm still up. My brain and body are both so over it... so I guess there's some rationalization. (Although strangely I don't feel as tired as I should, except the glands in my neck are swollen and sore like they get when I'm worn down.)

So I keep forgetting to deposit these checks, because rent is due tomorrow... when I remember it, it's rush hour and Hillsboro Pike is ridiculous around that time, so I say ok I'll come back later. So I decide I'll go on my way home from the library, which ends up of course being 2 am (I should be finishing my paper right now, but I'm worked up and drained). Hillsboro Pike is great, there's no one on the road, but it's rainy, my eyes are bad because I'm tired and I left my glasses at home to get a stronger prescription, and it's pretty windy. So I go to the bank, which has an ATM on the front of the building under an awning.

When I drove up, I wasn't so blind as to not see that there was a guy walking along the side of the road with a hooded rain jacket on, so I was on the alert at least, and he seemed far enough away that I could do a quick ATM operation before he even got close. I didn't have any deposit envelopes in my car like I usually do, but I prepared my checks, pulled up as close as possible to the ATM, and skipped up to it. I was nervous and kept looking over my shoulder so of course I fumbled. Then the guy comes strolling into the parking lot - but he looks like he's going to keep walking down the road so I keep doing business. Next time I look back (probably half a second later, I was so worried) he clearly sees me, though, and does one of those walking studders where you can't make up your mind which direction you want to go and your body movement reflects this indecision by bobbing around.

I'm freeeeaking out: Wachovia has my card and my PIN already typed in, I have a couple thousand dollars worth of authorized checks in my hand, ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh. Drop the pen. Fumble the deposit envelope that's damp from the rain. Get it all straightened out, and in the meantime he's kind of hovering around in the parking lot, pacing a bit going in and out of my sight behind the building column that's over my shoulder, but he seems careful to not get too close to my car. I get my card and my receipt and abandon all gracefulness, stumble down the steps, fumble the lock and the handle, fall in, and lock my doors. The whole time I'm being completely clumsy and honestly could have easily been overtaken in the whole fiasco, but as I reach for my car door, he's maybe 20 feet on the other side of my car (I think? I can't judge distance very well, but the car and several big leaps were between me and him) and I see him give me a very courteous "sorry, ma'am" type of wave, and he walks around the front of my car to walk back the driveway along the side of the bank.

In retrospect, I see what was happening - he wanted to walk back that path, but saw me and didn't want me to freak (so much for that) if he walked up beside me while I was at the ATM, so he stayed out of my way, and I am thankful that God sent a gracious man my way tonight instead of some other kind (or perhaps made an 'other kind' of man gracious for me). I learned several good lessons, though, starting with: Never go to the bank alone at 2 am even in a safe-ish part of town. I didn't realize how upset I was until I got in the car and couldn't control the spazzing of my leg muscles as I tried to drive away. In fact, I'm still shaking. So I'm going to take a shower to wash it all off, catch a 4-hour nap in the loft, and hit the library again. Thanks for reading, I just needed to tell someone, and no one actually in their right mind is up to hear it at the moment.